My maternal grandparents lived a wonderful life together. After getting married shortly out of high school, they raised two kids, moved around some before settling into their final home in rural Ocala, and managed to retire after many years of working despite both of them being born about halfway through the Great Depression. Their golden years were spent with neighbors, friends, and family members, including several grandkids and great grandkids. They essentially lived the American Dream, and I’m so glad they did since they’re some of the best humans I’ve ever known.
Unfortunately, while I wish I could have a similar life, I fear I never will. At least parts of it. Despite getting a much later start than my grandparents regarding work, I feel confident that I can have a nice retirement if I keep working, saving, and investing as I have this year. It’s the family that I believe I will miss out on. This is largely due to my aversion to the risk of romantic rejection. I have such fear of it because it’s second only to my loved ones dying as far as the most painful emotional experience I’ve had. Almost every time I’ve been turned down romantically, it has been so devastatingly painful that it’s either felt like dying or made me wish I were dying.
I don’t understand how some people can go from relationship to relationship with seemingly only minor pain when one ends. My one romantic relationship ended in 2015, and it took years before the pain decreased substantially (mostly because I avoided addressing the pain for a long time). The few relationships I’ve attempted to start since then have all ended before they began with crushing rejections; even when I was let down gently, the pain was still severe, and it’s never gotten easier to handle. Unless by some miracle I lose that extreme sensitivity to romantic rejection, I don’t see how marriage, kids, grandkids, or anything along those lines will ever be part of my life.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.” Much as I love that quote from Lewis Mumford and much as everyone who’s seen a picture of my grandfather says we look alike, I’ve come to realize that we’re two very different people. As such, our lives were bound to be quite different in many ways. I still take comfort in thinking about my grandparents, their beautiful house, all the wonderful times we shared, and this beautiful song that reminds me of them and the life they lived together for over sixty years. If I’m not meant to have that kind of life, then I’ll fondly reminisce about them, my dog Sawyer, and other wonderful folks and memories from my past while doing what I can with the life I am meant to have.