Last Saturday, I worked at a senior prom for local students. During some moments when things were going well and no work needed to be done for a while, I started reminiscing about my high school proms. Aside from my nice rental suits and lots of fun dancing with my schoolmates, I don’t remember much about the proms. I actually remember the homecoming dances a bit better, perhaps because they were in the school gymnasium and were less formal than the proms were. In any event, all those dances gave me some fun times and nice memories.
While I don’t miss high school overall and I’m glad to be done with it, I do miss many of the nice things that happened both at school and outside of it during that time of my life. Aside from the school dances, there were several trips I enjoyed a lot, especially the senior trips where we went skiing in winter and to Disney World around spring break. Some of the things outside of school that I miss include having lots of free time, no bills, few responsibilities, and a super predictable life. Things were much simpler and more routine for me back then, and I miss how easy things seemed overall, both at the time and looking back now.
Something more significant I miss is how unaware I was back then of how awful humans can be toward each other, especially in daily life. Throughout almost every regular job I’ve had, some performing gigs, random stranger encounters, and even interactions with friends/acquaintances and family members, I’ve learned so much since high school graduation about the depths to which the average person can sink. Everything from deception to manipulation to gaslighting to gossip to violence and then some. While there were some glimpses of the darker side of humanity while I was in high school, it was nothing compared to what I’ve learned, seen, and experienced firsthand since. Encountering it or even just thinking about it often demolishes my optimism and hope for the future.
Most of all, I miss my dog Sawyer, my grandparents, and other loved ones who were alive then but have died since. I’m at a point in my healing journey that I sometimes forget they’ve died; whenever that happens, it’s always a hard slap in the face of a reminder that they’re gone and I’ll never see them again on Earth. Whether through death, moving away, or simply by giving up on me, it seems that I am slowly losing the most caring, loving, and supportive people in my life, humans and animals alike. And that’s only going to get worse as I get older.
Some folks are said to have peaked in high school, meaning that that was their best, most enjoyable, and most successful time in their life. I do relate to that idea to a point, which is a bit funny considering I was one of two students in my graduating class voted most likely to succeed. Despite missing much from that period of my life, I don’t think much about it, and I talk about it even less frequently. When I do, it seems like another life, considering how much has changed since then, both for better and for worse. I never had any idea of how my life after high school would be, and I still have far more questions than answers in that area. Even if I had thought through possible futures back then, I would never have guessed that this is where I’d be now, or that I’d have gotten here the way I did. Things have been pretty weird and painful for me in the thirteen years since I graduated high school. I hope the next thirteen years will be more enjoyable and peaceful.