There is so much I miss from past parts of my life. Since April tends to be one of the most painful months of the year for me, I’ll go over some of what I miss most in this post. Here we go.
To start, there is my dog Sawyer. Anyone who’s read one of the posts I’ve published in the last three years knows how much I miss him. The remaining pain over his death and subsequent absence is always at its worst in April, which was the month in which he died nearly three years ago. Thank goodness I’ve released as much pain as I have since April 2022. I can’t imagine how I’d have gotten through Sawyer’s death or any of the other huge, heartbreaking happenings that happened in the years since. It’s been hard enough even with all the healing I’ve done.
A close second to Sawyer are my human family members who have died, most of all my grandparents. I so wish I had more time with them, could still visit with them, had seized more opportunities to spend time with them in the past, and had gotten to know them much better. Both my paternal and maternal grandparents lived through some huge moments in human history, and I would have loved to have heard about their experiences in some or all of those events. I often feel sad whenever I remember that I can’t call or visit with them and tell them about the good things that are going on for me as of late, especially my maternal grandparents since they were in my life for so long and knew at least a bit about the hard times I experienced over the past twelve years. I hope they didn’t worry too much about me or how my future would unfold. I wish I could ask them about that and let them know that I’m doing better now.
Next up is 2018 and the many wonderful things I experienced in that wonderful year. I loved going out swing dancing several times a week, having sleeping routines that felt more comfortable and practical for my free time, visiting friends both nearby and far away, going on several wonderful trips, experiencing a year that was mostly good after a year that was mostly bad, and having a lighter work schedule that let me have more fun and downtime while still bringing in enough money to do all the lovely things I did that year. Almost everything back then seemed to have a magical, warm glow around it. Given how disappointing 2019 was in comparison to 2018 and how awful most of the years since 2019 have been for me, I’d do almost anything to relive 2018 (or at least have a year that’s similarly lovely).
If I could group everything I miss into one point that pretty much sums it all up, it would be the point about how I miss being a kid. Despite lots of struggles and plenty of things I wish had never happened, being a kid also gave me a lot of play, fun, and a sense of adventure. The only responsibilities I had were schoolwork, some extracurriculars, and a few small things around the house. With most weekends and longer breaks from school eliminating all but the house responsibilities, I had lots of time to play, swim, watch TV and movies, read, go on family trips, and just enjoy being. No bills, no job, and no huge expectations from myself or anybody else. Others gave me rides everywhere I needed to go and at least a few places I wanted to go, made sure I had the essentials, and took care of enough stuff that I could have lots of fun with few to no big-picture worries. There was a sense that everything would be ok, which I also miss dearly. So much nice stuff has been removed from my life and even more will be removed before my time on Earth is over. Looking back to before 2020, I see plenty of wonderful times with a bit of struggle. Looking back over the last five years, I see mostly pain and struggle with only a small handful of good times. It’s hard to be optimistic about the future when the recent past has been so painful.
The huge changes that have happened over the past few weeks make it seem as if the wonderful humans, animals, places, and events that are no longer around have been gone for even longer than they have. Sawyer was with me from before I started my first regular job until a few months after I left the one I had in late 2021. I so wish he were still here to celebrate with me in the good times and make even a horrible day instantly better by loving on me as soon as I walk in the door at home. I also wish my grandparents were still here to show me unconditional love and support through all seasons of life. I’ve had so much nostalgia lately about them and the wonderful times we shared together, and I’ve been using this lovely song to help me release some pain. Now that neither Sawyer nor any of my grandparents are around anymore, my life feels so much emptier. One of the worst parts of all this is that it can sometimes seem as if they were never here in the first place. Since my grandparents’ house was sold back in January, almost nobody in the family talks about them within earshot of me. Similarly, hardly anybody has mentioned Sawyer since he died almost three years ago. The absence of much conversation around my dead loved ones adds even more to the pain that their absence from Earth has caused.
It seems like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Every few years, some big change comes along and blows my existing life into pieces. Even when those changes have been good for me, they still make it seem like the life I had before they came along dies in the process. I’m currently going through the death of the life I knew from the time Sawyer died until late last month and I have no idea what this next phase of my life will hold. Unlike many past phases which were awful, I hope this one will be positive. I’ll find out over time, and I’ll let you know along the way.