“What do you need?” This simple statement can do a world of good for both the one hearing it and the one saying it. When used genuinely, the person who hears it can feel heard, appreciated, and valued; the person who says it can tune in to and focus on the feelings, concerns, and needs of another human. This can put both of them at ease, turn a potential fight into a civil conversation, and pave the way for solutions.
That would be such a breath of fresh air. Instead, unfortunately, there is so much instant disagreement, dismissal, and fighting over seemingly opposing ideas. It’s incredibly common for most people to show far more interest in voicing their own opinions than in hearing out someone else’s feelings and needs. They want to speak and be heard and understood but don’t want to sit quietly and listen and understand. They don’t even take a moment to reflect on what was just said and ask questions to verify that they heard correctly before criticizing and condemning the other person. All of their focus is on the intellectual side of things instead of the emotions of themselves or anyone else involved (although emotions are clearly running the show under the surface and come out through various personal attacks).
This doesn’t apply solely to the most controversial issues of the day. At this point, every disagreement, no matter how small or insignificant, is presented as an epic life-or-death battle between good and evil. Gone is the idea that two intelligent people with good intentions can simply disagree about how to get somewhere they both want to go. As Marshall Rosenberg put it, that just takes them further away from being able to connect empathically to solve problems together and instead keeps them stuck in playing “Who’s Right,” which is a losing game for everyone.
I feel disappointed to see this in those close to me for whom it is a far cry from how they once conducted themselves. These folks used to be much more willing to hear others out, talk in a civil way over disagreements, and keep conversations mostly focused on pleasant subjects. They’re now much less willing to listen, are quick to hostility, and force conversations to take a negative turn by needlessly interjecting controversial subjects. There is no attempt to resolve differences or find solutions, just an endless back and forth over them. And they don’t even talk about what feelings they have over those issues (anger, shock, sadness, etc.), which makes it sound as if they’re just describing facts about the world with no clear reason for doing so.
Beyond my frustration at being around this sort of behavior, I simply don’t understand it. What is the point of this? It never seems as if anyone who does this is looking to solve a problem, and most of the problems that they discuss are ones that can’t be solved without massive changes to systems that encompass millions of individuals. Other than egoic pride over defending ideas that they’ve worked into their identity (and thus act as if they are defending their lives where no threat exists in a perfect illustration of the saying “People don’t have ideas, ideas have people”), why bring up issues that can’t be solved even in the course of one civil conversation, let alone a hostile fight? I doubt they’d want others to do any of that to them, so why do they do any of it to others?
My late dog Sawyer was much better at listening and understanding than most humans I’ve come across. Even in the middle of a big barking fit, he’d still pause and look at me when I said his name and then listen to what I had to say. I didn’t even have to train him to do that; he just did it once he’d gotten comfortable with me. What does that say when a dog automatically picks up the ability to listen with the intent to understand while most humans never get it?
I’m seldom on the receiving end of the above behavior as I rarely challenge what anyone says anymore. That said, I feel extremely comfortable around it (largely because it was forced on me growing up, but also because it’s how I used to act at the slightest disagreement), and it’s still common enough for me to get exposed to it on a fairly regular basis in real life. I long for the day in which the default response to a sharing of concerns is, “What do you need?” In response to that question, here are some of the things I need. I need peace, both alone and around other humans. I need to be valued for who I am, not what I have done, am doing, or may someday do. I need my close relationships to be safe enough that anything can be brought up and worked through together peacefully. I need those around me to sit with their emotions instead of compulsively venting them to me, almost always without checking to see if I’m in a good place to receive said venting. I need enough space to put my words together and speak them fully without being interrupted, talked over, or otherwise shut down. And I need to be taken seriously, especially by those who alternate between praising me and flat-out ignoring my ideas the moment they hear something they dislike. Now, what do you need?