A few years ago, I wrote about the importance of welcoming the mess when making improvements. I’d like to talk more about that as I’ve gained some new insights since writing that previous post.
So many things get worse before they get better. Avoiding the mess means avoiding progress, in addition to making an even bigger mess down the line. Often, issues that end up becoming massive and destructive start out small and manageable. This happens often in relationships. When the issues never get addressed, they fester and build resentment and eventually grow to the point that they destroy the relationship. This is incredibly common when one or more humans involved is more concerned with appearing as if everything is ok than actually going through the discomfort of making things ok, especially parents who have strained relationships with their kids.
I’ve thought a lot about this lately with regard to my beard. While it looks fine to me on some days and I’ve gotten a number of compliments on it recently, I generally dislike how it looks right now, especially on the sides. What’s bringing me some comfort in this area is the hope that as my beard grows out more and especially once it gets to a sufficient length, it will look much better than it currently does. I might try using some beard balm in the meantime to get the sides more in line with how I’d like them to look.
On a more serious note, there is the pain from my dog Sawyer’s death. Crying almost all day every day for months after he died made me feel better as the sadness gradually shrank. There were many past experiences in which I felt as upset months afterward as I did the day those experiences happened. I didn’t feel better until I fully welcomed all the pain and feelings. Knowing that, I went completely into the pain around Sawyer’s death without resisting any of it. If I had wanted to go directly from feeling the worst pain of my life to feeling much better without first going through the messiness of tears, depression, fear of the future, and wanting to do little to nothing for long periods of time, I would never have gotten there. Only by going through the mess and welcoming every part of it was I able to eventually feel better. Although recovering from Sawyer’s death took well over a year because the pain was so huge, facing it finally allowed me to get to a place of peace.
Much of my life is still a mess, and it often seems as if that will never change. All that I do in those situations is welcome whatever feelings arise and focus on what I can do to make things better. On my hardest days, this often looks like a hot bath with a cool cloth over my eyes, 432 Hz music playing nearby, and a lit candle followed by a cold shower and plenty of time to myself. Usually, I can get by with much less, even if something uncomfortable arises. I hope that continuing to heal the deep pain from my upbringing as it slowly thaws out will allow me to clean up areas of my life that are currently incredibly messy.