Generally, I love revisiting places and events I’ve enjoyed in the past. Even when they don’t live up to my expectations, they’re still almost always worth experiencing again. However, there are some things that I’d rather leave as they were.
I’ve done many cool things in many cool places during some of the most wonderful times in my life. These times were so magical because either everything was going in a good direction or most things were at least better than they had been in the recent past. With everything that has changed, both in the larger world and in my own life, I dread the idea of revisiting some of those events and places. I’m certain I would compare them to previous visits during nicer times in a kinder world. I’m also certain that the newer visits would come up lacking, especially with the likelihood of other participants almost constantly and compulsively reminding me of one of the worst times in my life.
Occasionally, I’ll revisit local places I frequented a decade or more ago. Although they may look nearly the same now as they did back then, there are still always plenty of changes, whether in their outer appearances or in the other people who frequent them. That creates a split in my memories between how those places were back in the day and how they are today. I’m ok with that split in some cases but not in others. In certain cases, I’d rather my most recent memories of those places remain the ones from back in the day.
My dog Sawyer’s death plays a huge role in this. When I still had him, we would always say goodbye before a big adventure and hello when I returned. Whether or not the adventure was incredible, generally enjoyable, decent, or even disappointing, I always had him to welcome me back and make me feel better if I felt bad or boost my mood even more if I felt good. Without him, I’ve become a lot more reserved as I don’t want to risk getting hurt without my little best friend to comfort me. That pain seems like more than I could bear at this point.
I don’t know how this will change as I continue healing. This has been my outlook for many years and it has only grown stronger since I lost Sawyer just under 11 months ago. Fortunately, my boundaries have improved to the point that I decide what events I do and do not attend, regardless of how much somebody might want me to go; no amount of guilting, enticing, or other forms of pressuring can make me change my mind once I’ve made it up. I also feel no need to explain why I don’t attend certain events. While all of this may change at any point, it seems like the best place for me to be right now, and that’s all right with me.