What Not to Say When Someone Loses a Pet

The worst part of having a pet is the pain that comes when a pet dies. As if that weren’t enough, the cruel words and actions of others can add even more pain. I’ve been on the receiving end of at least a few cruel words since losing my dog Sawyer last April. In the hopes of stopping this, here are some things not to say to someone who has lost a pet.

1. “Just get another one”. This is extremely insensitive and implies that a pet is replaceable. Even if someone does adopt another animal when they’re ready, the relationship with the new animal will be different than the one with the previous animal. Additionally, the only times I’ve heard of this being said with regard to human death are when someone loses a baby and is told to “Just have another one”. Outside of that, I’ve never heard of anyone being told this after losing a parent, sibling, grandparent, or other human family member, almost as if most folks know better than to say it to someone who is grieving. I hope that it quickly falls out of fashion and everyone who has said it stops saying it, whether about human or animal death.
2. Anything negative about the appearance of the pet. Someone close to me once said that when she took one of her cats to the vet for the final time, somebody working at the office described her cat as looking “ugly”. I can’t think of a crueler thing to say to someone who is about to lose a beloved animal friend, or anytime at all; even if I thought their pet was ugly, I’d keep it to myself. Saying something rude about someone’s pet only causes harm, especially when they have lost or are about to lose them.
3. “That’s not that long”. This pertains to pets who die before the expected lifespan of their species. With the exception of animals whose lives are about as long as or longer than human lifespans, everyone with a pet is aware that they will most likely outlive their pet. If a given pet dies sooner than expected, it’s best to avoid pointing that out. Just over a month after I lost Sawyer, someone felt the need to point out that he didn’t live as long as many other small dogs. Mentioning that only served to make me feel even worse than I already felt. I wish I’d said something at the time about how unnecessary and counterproductive that was. I plan to do exactly that if anyone ever says something similar to me again. There’s no need to remind someone how little time they had with their beloved animal friend.
4. “The pain never goes away”. This is a horrible thing to say to someone who is severely hurting from the loss of their pet, especially if that loss is recent. I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s beneficial to tell someone that the extreme pain they’re feeling will always be with them. Additionally, since it’s been a little over ten months since Sawyer’s death, I now know this statement to be factually wrong. A huge amount of the pain has gone away, thanks to all the emotional work I’ve done this past year. As with other extremely painful experiences I’ve worked through, I’m certain that all the pain around this situation will be gone once I’ve fully worked through it.
5. “Get over it”. For whatever reason, this phrase still sometimes comes up when someone feels upset about a painful loss. It seems especially prevalent when it comes to animal death. Sawyer treated me better than most other humans have, including several members of my biological family. Losing him has been the most painful experience of my life and I’m so grateful that nobody has told me to “get over” his death. Unfortunately, I know that many others have been told this in the midst of losing their own beloved animal friends, including those whose beloved animal friends have been as special to them as Sawyer has been to me. That phrase and the sentiment behind it are both absolutely unnecessary as well as counterproductive to the healing process.