For most of my life, I’ve had a feeling that I’d die young. Many writers have done so for various reasons. I think there’s a definite connection between writing and instability. Those who have good things to say see things differently than most other people, and that, I think, requires being more than a little off. Fortunately I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or use recreational drugs, and I’ve learned a lot about managing my emotions in a healthy way. So aside from a poor diet and not a great deal of physical exercise, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of pitfalls that caused the downfall of a number of writers.
That sense of foreboding is a large part of why I’ve created so much content and why I feel such a drive to get my ideas out there. Whenever my time comes, I want to be spent. I don’t want to leave with a lot of things left to say or do. When I was a little kid, I thought that I’d one day run out of things to think about. Now I realize that’s not a possibility. It feels like I’m never going to run out of ideas, perspectives, or things to discuss. Like there’s no bottom of the barrel for me to scrape. Maybe there is and I just haven’t gotten there yet. Maybe it’ll take four or five more decades for me to get anywhere near it. If so, then I want to be as close as possible to that point before I go.
I’m far from the only person with a major interest in the intersection of psychology, spirituality, and self-improvement. However, I feel confident in saying that I’m the only person approaching it in the way I am and with the plans I have. That’s why I want to share my outlook and approach to life as much as I can while I still have time. If I can get the ball rolling on some big projects based on things that have done me so much good, then anyone who’s even remotely interested in that stuff can benefit from it even long after I’m gone. I’ve lost track of how many books I’ve read after the authors of those books died. Even though I never interacted with them, I still benefited from their insights and experiences. I want to do the same for those who come after me, starting with my writing and then through other means. That way whoever wants to look at the puzzles I’ve pieced together can do so even if they never meet me.
I’ve still got time. Occasionally, though, it feels like not enough. Not enough time to learn what I need to learn, process it, understand it, combine it with everything else I know, and put it into words that almost everybody can comprehend. What if I get into an accident that prevents me from learning or sharing what I’ve found? What if I die right before I get my bigger plans moving in a way that their momentum will carry them further than I ever could by myself? Those are some concerns that keep me going and keep me focused on the important things.
I don’t always think about it this way and I don’t think this mindset is the sole motivator behind my actions. For example, I’ve always been interested in sharing my thoughts with others because of the joy it brings both of us when they encounter something special. Additionally, I’ve somehow made it through a number of events that could have easily killed me, so I think I’ll be able to do most if not all of what I have in mind before my time comes, whether that’s in a few years or a few decades. As long as I can honestly tell myself that I did everything I could to leave this world better than I found it, I’ll be content when I leave, and that’s what matters most to me.