A Window Into My Head

It can start with anything: a word, a sound, a smell, a taste, a touch, a sight, a thought, an idea, a song, or anything else, really. Any one of those can spark a memory. That memory has all kinds of strings attached to it. I’ll recall who I was with, how I was feeling at the time, how I feel about it looking back, what I know about that situation now that my past self didn’t know then (this can go on for many more layers with old memories as different versions of myself stack on top of each other and all observe me at different points in time), what I wish I’d done differently, etc. Undoubtedly, most or all of those memories will trigger more memories and pretty soon I have dozens of memory avalanches simultaneously cascading through my mental mountains, each one building speed and gathering more memories as it goes. Examples can include entire episodes of TV shows I still remember perfectly from when I was a little kid, songs that fit my current mood or situation, flashbacks from dreams (or perhaps they’re daydreams; sometimes it’s hard to tell), famous people who were in multiple works that I’ve seen and thus serve to connect those otherwise unrelated works, things I wanted to say but either didn’t have the opportunity or the courage at the time to share, and so on.

This isn’t just limited to memories as it can work with ideas, too. This often happens when I’m talking with someone. I’ll begin to connect dots and put pieces together in ways that I hadn’t previously. New connections form and I achieve some eureka moments. I can be very articulate when this happens, especially if I get out of my own way and just let the words flow out of me without trying to direct or control my stream of consciousness. That process continues even when I’m not talking unless I consciously choose to settle my mind. As I’m listening to someone talk about things I find invigorating and intriguing, thought avalanches build up in my head. I try my best to actually listen to what they’re saying while also waiting for a good moment to jump in before an avalanche gets too big. If I can’t find a good place to jump in or if the conversation shifts such that a particular avalanche now seems irrelevant, I’ll stop it in its tracks and hope I can remember it later on if it’s worth writing down. Sometimes I’ll get through just a little bit of an avalanche before someone cuts me off and uses what I’ve said to create an avalanche of their own.

This is why I prefer sharing my ideas through writing: I can get all of my avalanches out without interruption or losing my train of thought and they often make more sense when written out than they do when spoken. By the way, all of this is amplified when I’m alone and don’t have to switch between genuinely listening to what others have to say and sharing my own thoughts. In those situations, things can really get interesting and my creativity can reach new heights. That’s a taste of what it’s like in my head.

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